#3 Grateful for the Comfort my Faith gives me

Twelve years ago today I was a receptionist for Bank of New York (DE) in Newark, Delaware. I remember I was working when the first tower was hit and an executive came walking quickly down the aisle near my desk. She went into the VP’s office and shut the door. Less than 20 minutes later two more of upper management came running down the same aisle. They opened the door and slammed it behind them. 

I could speculate and exaggerate but to be honest that’s all the specifics I remember. I’m not sure if an email was sent out or a verbal announcement was made or if it was just whispers throughout the office.

Soon everyone was on the internet looking at pictures. We soon heard about the Pentagon and the plane in Pennsylvania. There were stories of a fire at the DC Mall. Schools were being closed. Everyone was very upset. All the mothers wanted to go get their children and just get home. It's funny. I understand this more now as a mother. When the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary happened I just wanted to get to and hold Tino so badly and kiss him.

I think the one memory that stands out in my mind was when I got home. Ryan had left Buckley’s and was at my parent’s house getting a shower and changed out of his work clothes. He was sitting on my bed in my room putting his shoes on. I remember telling him that I was scared. That this was our generation’s Pearl Harbor. I remember asking him what if we went to war. I remember telling him I was afraid he’d be drafted. I remember fighting back tears and completely losing the battle. I remember Ryan holding my hands and having me sit in his lap and he told me that no matter what we would be okay. I think he took me out to dinner to Season’s Pizza in an attempt to relax and have some semblance of normalcy. 

The next few weeks we had major issues at work. I think our company’s hub was near the blast and was down for a very long time. I know I worked extra hours and they provided a lot of comfort snacks for everyone. There were these giant trays of cookies. I know this because I was on Weight Watchers and the trays were by my desk and my will completely broke. We found out some of our customers were in the towers and were killed. Even two Bank of New York employees had been in the towers and died although I didn’t know them.

I remember the news papers all having these amazing front page photos of the devastation. My grandparents collected them all and my mother has them today.

I don’t remember my parents saying much. I can't even tell you if they had the tv and news on.

I remember spending time with Ryan at his parent’s house and lighting a candle on their front deck one night.

I remember a lot of people mounted American Flags to their cars and trucks.

I remember video of Osama bin Laden stating that he didn't expect the towers to fall after being hit but that he was thrilled and thought it a blessing from his god that they did.

I remember stories over the radio that suspects were arrested in connection with the attacks. I remember strong feelings of demanding justice and excitement at the thought of vengeance just flowing through me.

I’m grateful that we haven’t experienced anything to this magnitude in the 12 years I’ve been on this earth since that day. With that said, I guess I feel safer but I think our world is still in very bad shape. I can’t say that I feel protected or shielded from evil like this in the world. Even now being a believer. But I do find a lot of comfort in my faith.

#2 Thankful for EVERY friendship

Oh I read this great blog post by Kristen Strong last week about finding yourself “in a season of changing friendships”. I think right now I’m in that season. I’m not friendless but I have had a lot friends move out of my life, some getting ready to move and some new friends moving in. It’s not a good or a bad time. It’s just a period of adjustment. I can’t say I love it. Friendships with other women have always been a particularly difficult area in my life. 

I have stayed in touch with some ladies who have moved on to new and better lives. I sure miss them. There is always facebook. Some friends I’ve not kept in touch with and I’m learning that is natural and even healthy. I often try to force something that may need to fade in its own natural way. I tighten my death grip, mulling over what I’ve done wrong, what I could do different. Why am I like that? Why did I say that? What’s wrong with me?

My husband is so good at this. This never fazes him. He just rides along with the current and I’ll admit I envy him in this regard. He never wonders if it ended because of something he said or did.

It’s times like these that I wonder if God wants my focus on other things like Him, my husband, my son, my home and job.

So, I’ll shrug my shoulders and wipe away the few tears. Every friendship I’ve ever had has blessed me and taught me.

My big prayer, in regards to all these friendships, is that hopefully, a few, I’ve blessed as well.

#1 Grateful for the mornings you're there

My husband, Ryan, is in school, fulltime to be a nurse. He has finished his academics and is now in the midst of his clinical rotation. He is in third week of his third semester. He will be done in May of 2014.

Mondays and Tuesdays, every week, he leaves the house very early and reports to a medical facility for on site, hands on training. This week he is at Meadow Wood Hospital. This is a behavioral health facility. They specialize is mental health and addiction treatment. He seems to really be enjoying this rotation. But on these two mornings he’s out of the house before 6 am.

Sometimes I consider myself a mom who requires a lot of help. Other times I like doing it all on my own. On the days that Ryan doesn’t need to be up and out the door before 6 am he still gets up and helps get Tino to daycare and me to work. He changes Tino and dresses him. He makes me a cup of coffee to go. He gives Tino a snack. He takes our dog out. He even walks us out to the car and gets Tino all strapped in. While he’s doing this I am able to take a shower and get dressed in peace.

I can do all these things on my own. In fact, I do all these things on my own two days a week when he’s up and out early. But, I like his help.

To me it says:

I’m raising this kid with you.

If you have to be up I’ll be up with you.

I know working and being away from Tino is hard so whatever I can do to make it easier, so be it.

I want to see you and our son before you leave for your day.

So today I’m grateful for the mornings that Ryan’s home to help. Even though he knows and I know that I can and do, do it without him. I want him to know that I appreciate those mornings he’s there.

01Y 05M 11D

Today my son is one year, five months and 11 days old. He’s fussy. We’ve hit this horrible phase of tantrums. He’s a big boy, very independent. He’s a busy boy. He wants to play. He doesn’t want to be strapped into his car seat. He doesn’t want to be in the car. He doesn’t like the sun in his eyes. He doesn’t want to play with his toys that I keep in the car. He doesn’t want to sing songs. He’s so frustrated. He’s so fussy.

It’s only a 15 minute ride from our house to daycare but those 15 minutes are hard for me especially to and from daycare five days a week. Maybe those 15 minutes wouldn’t be hard for you and that makes you a better mother then me. Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself, lashing out a bit, but those minutes tick by so slowly.

I try talking to him. It doesn’t work. I try turning the radio on. It doesn’t work. I try pulling over and reaching for his OTHER toy to see if he wants that one. That doesn’t work. I try tuning him out. I try sipping my coffee and focusing on my favorite radio talk show. I can’t stand it. The anxiety is building in my stomach, my chest, my shoulders, my neck and the spot right smack in the center of my forehead.

I grip the steering wheel, my knuckles turning white, I start thinking about the evening before when he didn’t want to eat his dinner or sit in his highchair. He didn’t want his hands wiped off. He didn’t want to come out of the chair. He doesn’t want to be put down and play with his toys. He doesn’t want to be held. He’s rubbing his eyes. He’s cutting teeth. His nose is running. He wakes up once a night. We wake up with him once a night. Everyone’s tired. It’s been a long day. Now it’s morning and already it’s Good Morning Mr. Fussy Face. I think ahead to the fact that Ryan’s working all weekend and we have a family function to go to and I’m already picturing his tantrums in front of my family. Yeah, I know, they are moms too and they understand blah, blah, blah. It doesn’t make me feel better.

Back in the car, on our way to daycare, in this moment, like other moments, I’m having a hard time seeing the joy in motherhood. I start comparing myself to other mothers who never seem to complain or struggle. Jealousy, frustration, guilt well up in my heart as the tears well up in my eyes. Then it happens, I yell, “SANTINO RYAN, STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!” I hear his breath catch followed by my beautiful baby boy’s crying. And here it comes, instant guilt and regret, waves and waves. I tell him, “It’s okay buddy. Mommy’s sorry for yelling but we’re almost there. You’re going to have some breakfast, see your friends and Miss Nancy and play and have a good day.”

He settles down and we both stay quiet the rest of the way. I even keep the radio off. We get to daycare. I come around to get him out of the car and he’s smiling at me, happy guy with bed head. I grab his comb from my purse and comb his wispy hair. I kiss, kiss, kiss his ravioli cheeks. I tickle his belly. I pat his bottom. He’s so amazing to me. I’ve never loved anything so much. We go inside and he runs to the little table covered in toy trucks. I say bye and step outside. I flop into my car angry with myself for losing my temper. I try to remember to stop and take a moment to thank God for His grace, for my precious child, for Fridays, for coffee and then... I ‘keep calm and call my mom’. TGIF

Where's Momma?

Ryan and I have found that the one thing that helps us be the best parents that we can be is routine. It’s not for everyone. Before Ryan and I had Tino we said that we would bring Tino into our routine and not wrap our lives around him. Well children change everything when they come along. You can’t deny that. In some ways we’ve adjusted our lives to Tino and in others he just has to deal with the way we run things. Either way, sticking to a routine really helps us and I think Tino’s happier as well.

In my opinion, Tino’s bedtime routine is great. Around 7 pm – 7:30 pm I ask Tino if he’s tired and ready for bed. If he is he drops his toys and runs over to the baby gate blocking his way up to his room. I walk over, take down the gate and he runs to the steps, crawls up and runs down the hall to his room. Recently, he’s started opening his drawer that holds his pajamas and then running over to his CD player and turning his bedtime music on. I’m usually one step behind him, getting ready for bath time if it’s a bath night.

Tino’s almost 18 months old so the risk of SIDS is no existent so now he has some stuffed animals in his crib and a blanket and a monkey pillow pet. He likes all these items arranged a certain way in his crib. So I get them all settled blah, blah, blah.

Last night, we went about routine as usual.

Me: “Tino, buddy you tired?” He runs to the baby gate. I remove the baby gate. He climbs the stairs and runs down the hall to his room, which was dark. However, this time, I stopped at the top of the stairs to get a pair of his pajamas out of a laundry basket of his clean clothes that hadn’t gotten folded yet. Normally, I’d be right behind him. Only this time I stopped for a minute at the top of the stairs and he ran on ahead of me.

I hear him start screaming and crying and calling out, “Mummy, Mummy!!” I’d never really heard this cry from him so I thought maybe he’d tripped and hurt himself. So I rushed to his room and he’s standing there crying big ol fat tears, arms out for me to pick him up. He was afraid. He’d walked into the dark room, turned around and I wasn’t there. He got scared. I scooped him up and soothed him. He settled down. 

It was a tender moment. He’s so independent pushing my hands away whenever I try to help him with anything. But, last night he still needed his momma. I just love my little guy.

Sheena's Thursday Thoughts

*****WARNING*****

This post is just going to be a mess of thoughts and emotions.

First I just love my kid. Ryan and I took him to his one year wellness visit yesterday. He was obviously a year old in January but the doctor needed the day off so we rescheduled the visit for February. Although, he had to get shots and that is never fun, talking to the doctor about his weight, height, what he’s eating, what’s he’s doing, how he’s sleeping is nice.

Tino doesn’t see a pediatrician. We all see the same family practitioner and Tino just so happens to be the youngest patient at our family doctor’s office so when we arrive the whole place stops and everyone gushes over him.

The wellness visits are a chance for us to recap Tino’s new milestones and address concerns. Dr. Case is great in the fact that he encourages me to trust my instinct. When Tino was born he wasn’t gaining weight super fast. I mean he gained but just slowly. If I expressed concern Dr. Case would say, “Sheena he gaining and he going to continue to gain. Breastfed babies gain weight slower. It’s normal and will be better for him long term, but if you’re worried you can supplement but I don’t think he needs it.”

Our family doctor is so encouraging. He always tells us we are doing a great job. He asked if Tino is still nursing and I told him sadly he weaned himself. I told him I was very sad about it. His response was, “Well of course you are.” I love that. Most people respond with, “Well, Mommy he’s growing up.” I know that but it’s still sad to end something that was such an intense bonding experience. Dr. Case was one of my cheerleaders when it came to breastfeeding so I was very touched that he acknowledged that stopping wouldn’t be easy.

Also, Tino’s walking since seeing him last and that was exciting. And, right before we left I said to Tino, “Where’s Tino?” and he points to his chest and claps. That made Dr. Case chuckle and us proud.

Ryan and I were just observing Tino last night while he was playing. Honestly, when I pictured our child in my head before we had him I just never pictured something so beautiful. He is just that… beautiful; his wispy light brown hair and his blue eyes. I secretly wanted a brown haired blue eyed son but I never thought we’d have one since Ryan and I both have brown eyes. When he was born with blue eyes I figured they would change to brown. However, they are still as blue as the day he was born. Dr. Case says they are most likely going to stay that way.

When Tino smiles, my whole world is right and good. My heart soars. I can’t imagine my life without him and if I try I get anxious and upset and I bury the thought quickly before tears rush to my eyes. When I rock him at night sometimes I find myself expressing such deep gratitude in prayer to God for entrusting this miraculous little creature to us. What did we do to deserve such a perfect little boy? I never thought I could love something so much. I don’t think anyone can tell you what it’s going to be like to have a child. The challenges and frustrations of just taking care of their basic needs are in themselves an atomic bomb of change and adjustment. But, the warmth they bring to your heart and your soul is overwhelming. It brings tears to my eyes.

This morning Tino was up earlier than usual so we had about 20 minutes of playtime on the living room floor before we had to head out to daycare. He was relaxing with Dada in the recliner. With Ryan reclining back and Tino lounging in the curve of his arm, I notice something I’ve noticed before that always makes me smile from ear to ear. Ryan reclining in his chair, his ankles crossed and Tino lounging in the curve of his arm, ANKLES CROSSED! They are relaxing in the exact same position. Now either Tino is mimicking his father or he just is comfortable in this same position. Either way it’s about the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen in my whole life. I mentioned this to my mom this morning and she burst out laughing, a deep belly laugh, saying she’s noticed it as well. 

I love that we had a son. I love having Ryan and his mini. These two men mean so much to me and have turned out to be my whole world and the source of all my joy. I feel so overwhelmed to literally drop to my knees and thank God for them both!!

All the kids at daycare are sick. I feel like we just got our family better. Tino’s been teething. He got shots yesterday so I’m sure the next couple days he may be a little fussy and perhaps even run a low grade fever. He’s had a runny nose for weeks with the teething. And, this morning he started with a cough. I fear we are in for a rough couple weeks ahead with potentially a fussy little man. Say a prayer that it’s not too painful for us all.

I have the baby itch. I really do. I’m ready for another child. However, Ryan’s not working. He’s in the middle of his clinicals. We have to wait. It’s the right thing. But, if circumstances were different I think we’d be trying for number two. And, I’ve really been thinking I’d like to have three children total. I’m hoping that after Ryan graduates and he’s working he’ll be on board with this plan. We’ll just have to wait and see.

That’s it. I told you this was a smorgasbord of thoughts and emotions. I hope you were able to follow along.

Dr. Nicole A. Green at Nemours/Alfred I. duPont Hospital for Children in Wilmington, Delaware

Our second or third night home from the hospital with Santino his colic began. He screamed and screamed and SCREAMED!! His whole body was beet red, limbs rigid, sweating and his screams reverberated in your ears. At 1 am Ryan and I were just out of our minds. It surprises me to this day that we didn’t kill one another but when I think back we were probably too shocked, exhausted and scared to even think of one another. We called Tino’s family doctor, Dr. Case. He called us right back. He said, “Hey guys. If you’ve fed him, changed him, and he doesn’t have a fever he’s probably fine. It sounds like he may be colicky. Do your best to sooth him. If you’re that worried I’d say take him to A.I. You’re doing great. Good luck.” We gave it another hour or so and finally decided to take him to A.I. our local children’s hospital 40 minutes away. Sleep deprived we packed his diaper bag, strapped him into his car seat and got on our way. He screamed the ENTIRE 40 minutes. And, I kid you not, when we pulled into the parking lot, he fell asleep. Having made the trip, we weren’t turning around. We marched into the Emergency Room, set our “little bundle of joy” on the counter. Pointing at him, we demanded someone look at “this” kid because “something has to be wrong with this child”. The nurses glanced at one another and then looked at us and said, “Is this your first baby?” Ryan and I looked at one another and then looked the nurse square in the eye and said, “Yes.” They smiled and took us back to an examination room. The nurse brought me a pillow to nurse Tino and a cup of water. She reminded me with breastfeeding it’s important to stay hydrated. One nursing session and a diaper change later a light knock came on the door and this short, thin, brunette doctor in blue scrubs peaked in. She said, “Hi! I’m Dr. Green and I love his name, Santino!! I have a Salvatore!!” She came and sat down on the bed with Tino. We told her what was happening at home and taking her stethoscope she listened to Tino’s chest and tummy. I was sobbing. My hand was resting on the bed next to him. After, about 30 seconds of examining him, she took my hand and talked me off the ledge. She said, “He’s a new baby. His digestive system is not fully developed. He’s going to have a lot of gas. You’re breastfeeding?” I nodded. She continued, “That’s the absolute best thing you can do for him. It sounds like he has a bit of colic.” To this day the phrase “bit of colic” makes me laugh out loud. She said, “I just had my second baby. I remember the first one. He had colic. He cried all the time. I was breastfeeding. My husband and I are both pediatricians and both know everything about breastfeeding but the round the clock feedings and crying and lack of sleep are so hard. You’re tired. You had a c-section.” She told me she would pass her baby to her husband and she would go cry in the shower and he would sneak the baby a bottle of formula. She held my hand and told me it would get better. That in six months Tino would be a different baby and that by the time he is one year old we’d want another. She said she felt for me and wished she could hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright. I remember she had tears in her eyes. She told us how beautiful and perfect he was. She instructed me to wake him and offer my breast to him every two to three hours around the clock until my milk supply was well established. She asked if we had any questions and then sent us home with some information on colic. She was one of the kindest human beings I’ve ever encountered. To this day I wish I could meet her again. I’d hug and thank her for being so sweet. I’ll never forget her. She was so empathetic. I know now that if she wasn’t such a professional, had we been sitting on my couch as friends, she would not only have held my hand but hugged and cried with me. Although she didn’t perform any intense medical diagnosis or intervention she was an incredible doctor with such a tender and loving bedside manner. The best part is, she was 100% right. He is a completely different baby. We love him more than anything else in this world. I hope that if anyone ever meets Dr. Nicole A. Green at Nemours/Alfred I. duPont Hospital for Children that you'd please pass on this message of thanks to her from me, Sheena Erace, a terrified first time mom of a colicky little boy.